Today I went to Wal*Mart.
(forgive me, father, for I have sinned)
I needed sewing needles for this dress I'll talk about later, and something said green nail polish? Possibly the blue on the desk that got away with four of my fingers, leaving pink and purple to fight for the rest. It looked abhorant. Is that a word? Apparently not, but I'll leave it.
It took me.. for EVER.. to pick the green. There was this super smooth-looking fuck with a greyish tint to it. I thought it wouldn't quite go the way I'd intended; I was looking for a rich, foresty green. But very mid-toned. The other green was really light and had all of these sparkles and glitters abounding. It was intense, but the subtlety of the grey-green's shimmer took me by the hand and led me far. Far. So I picked it.
That's just about the only.. real problem in my life right now. Honestly, it's a problem. I can't make decisions. It's always really obvious at first, but then I look at the other option just to make sure I'm not missing something and then WHAM. It hits me just like that. It's not just "which do you like more" anymore. It's "which COULD you like more" or "which SAYS something about you," "which MEANS something to you". It's frustrating when the answer varies each time. What's worse, usually both are somehow equal. Different steps, but same drive.
So I end up choosing something that I feel I should be slapped for. Staying still. Remaining silent. Continuing the ever-perpetuated role of being me. Being the only me I've ever been, even though I could be another me and still retain my MEself. It just doesn't work, though. I like to look at bright, shiny things, but I just can't take myself seriously unless they.. FIT right. Unless they have some kind of modernistic tone of maturity to them. Some elegant ring that you don't reason and sift through. You just accept that it's got something to do with you.
Well, not the real you.
Just your nither-things, or distractions they'd be called if you looked them up in the dictionary.
I hate when dinosaurs cry, it always gets to me.
Well, I picked up some juice since I've been going through about a jug a day..
.. and went home. Only to meet with another distraction that is a little less of a nither-thing at all. And I failed it, once again. As always. Why.
Well, I didn't finish making my dress, either. I've named it Map of the Problematique after a Muse song about waiting and wondering when you'll cease to feel alone. I don't know that the dress plans to embody the image of the loneliness so much as the waiting and the process and passing of time that accumulates during such.
I fell asleep. Back under, again. The weather got nice for a minute and I thrived, but it snowed and got pulled back in. Fuuuuck.
So now I'm saying, when WILL this be over?
I don't know. I'm guessing when the snow melts, to be honest. I hate that I'm constantly pushing against my own free will to choose the flow of time over my own stubborn rebellion against it. I see what's coming, and I say "Well, if I know what's ahead I can skip the shit I see is deterring and just move on to where I want to be."
I feel that it's the right answer, the mature one. Skip a beat so you don't have to rock with the pull. It's possible. It's just harder. And knowing there's that possible choice and I'm losing it just to be lazy, to do what's easy, to follow what I "feel".. I just feel like such a piece of shit for it.
Excuses, that's all they are. They are reasonable excuses, but I can see them and identify them. I am aware of them. I know their flaws, their reason behind them, and I can therefore avoid them.
And still, I wait. Because excuses pull me both ways at once.
I just wish I could take the other easy answer.
WOOT!!! hilolary!! i miss you!! thanks for introducing me to this place, its pretty cool. we should chill soon, maybe play some gameage, or listen to muse or somethin, im down for anything really
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